Supreme killjoy Hibatullah Akhundzada ordered a complete fibre-optic shutdown across Balkh province to “prevent immorality,” leaving homes, businesses and government offices without a connection. 

A provincial spokesman, Haji Attaullah Zaid, declared the blackout was righteous and promised “an alternative” would eventually be built. He didn’t say when, or whether this brave new network would run on prayer wheels and goats. We expect some sort of heavy censorship will be involved.

One poor sod in Mazar-e-Sharif first thought his Wi-Fi was just on the blink. His provider assured him it was “a technical issue.” Technically this was true, if you count the Taliban ripping out your broadband as a technicality.

“Blocking the internet is beyond my comprehension in such an advanced era,” he told the Associated Press, while carefully hiding his name to avoid being stoned for heresy.

Mobile internet still works, sort of, though it’s slower than a donkey cart and costs a fortune. The unlucky resident said six people in his house rely on Wi-Fi, including a student, but now everyone is stuck burning data like it’s gold. His business depends on stable connections with the outside world, which is tough when your local rulers think Facebook is Satan.

“If this ban continues, it will not only be detrimental to my business but to others,” he said, pointing out that he might have to move province just to keep afloat.

The Taliban already cuts mobile networks during religious festivals to stop bombs being detonated, but this is the first full-on ban since they took power in 2021. It will be interesting to see if their theory pans out.